White Ball Poem
In my hand I hold a ball....white and dimpled, rather small....
Oh , how bland it does appear....this harmless looking little sphere....
By its size I could not guess....the awesome strength it does possess....
But since I fell beneath it's spell....I've wandered through the fires of hell..
My life has not been quite the same....Since I chose to play this stupid game....
It rules my mind for hours on end...A fortune it has made me spend....
It has made me swear and yell and cry....I hate myself and want to die....
It promises a thing called par....If I can hit straight and far ....
To master such a tiny ball....should not be very hard at all ...
But my desires the ball refuses....and does exactly like it chooses....
It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies....and even disappears before my eyes....
Often it will take a whim....to hit a tree or take a swim....
With miles of grass on which to land....it finds a tiny patch of sand....
Then has me offering up my soul....if only it would find the hole....
It's made me whimper like a pup....and swear that I will give it up....
And take a drink to ease my sorrow....but the ball knows..... I'll be back tomorrow!!
Golfing With An Older Man
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
The Amazing Golf Ball
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it"
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it" What if you hit it into the water"
"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it"
"I found it."
First Putting Lesson
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t"'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
It's Called Golf...
The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly ... or start cheating.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice ... once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.
Bee Stings Woman
A woman golfer suffers a terrible bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it.
"What happened" asked the doctor.
"I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer.
The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"
Golf Injury
A couple of women were playing golf on a Sunday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Cow Pasture Tale
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.
After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.
A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours"
That was the last thing he could remember.
Deadly Eight Iron
Off the seventh tee, Brian sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Brian shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"
The Perfect Shot
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long" Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
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