One Year

February 6th was a writing on this thing. Nothing changed. My heart is still broken and I still do not matter.

I am done. I am nothing.

Waited as long as I could for you, see you in the sun.

Milky

For those hurting please know;

You are perfect exactly as you are. With all your flaws and problems, there is no need to change anything. All you need to change is the thought that you have to change.

Just breathe

Trying to forget

I am trying to forget you but it or I am failing. I do not think I will be able to forget you. I am sorry.

Milky

MW - Poker

I hope you are doing well in Australia. Try not to forget to take some time to enjoy the surf and playtime.

Milky

I really...

Do not want to go back to the hospital but I may need to as I am dehydrate and the pain is getting worse. I really hate this, not having control and I am so tired of fighting a battle that I cannot win. If it is not one thing one day it is another thing another day and it truly sucks.

Milky

It is...

Almost a year since I started wring and I am not if I will continue. Part of me does not see a point, the part thinks that no one even cares, so why bother. I want to believe that it is helping me but I still feel like the dark out weighs the light. Where does that leave me?

Milky

Year did you knows

Did you know the first Burger King was opened in Florida Miami in 1954
 Did you know in 1878 the first telephone book made contained only 50 names
 Did you know Coca Cola launched its 3rd product Sprite in 1961
 Did you know instant coffee was invented in 1901
 Did you know the naming of tropical storms and hurricanes officially began in 1953
 Did you know Madonna and Michael Jackson were both born in 1958
 Did you know Halley's comet passes the Earth every 76 years (the next time it will return will be 2062)
 Did you know the Olympic flag was designed in 1913
 Did you know the electric toothbrush was invented in 1939
 Did you know the doorbell was invented in 1831
 Did you know The first English dictionary was written in 1755
 Did you know the tea bag was invented in 1908
 Did you know plastic bottles were first used for soft drinks in 1970
 Did you know the $ sign was introduced in 1788
 Did you know the term 'disc jockey' was first used in 1937
 Did you know volleyball was invented in 1895
 Did you know Hawaii officially became apart of the US in 1900
 Did you know New York's Central Park was opened in 1876
 Did you know the first rugby club was formed in 1843
 Did you know New Zealands first hospital was opened in 1843

Juicy Burger

 This looks so good and yet how do you eat it/? It is one crazy bite!

From the food network

Love Hurts - Incubus

Tonight we drink to youth
 And holding fast to truth
 (I don't want to lose what I had as a boy.)
 My heart still has a beat
 But love is now a feat.
 (As common as a cold day in LA.)
 Sometimes when I'm alone, I wonder
 Is there a spell that I am under
 Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Love hurts...
 But sometimes it's a good hurt
 And it feels like I'm alive.
 Love sings,
 When it transcends the bad things.
 Have a heart and try me,
 'cause without love I won't survive.

I'm fettered and abused,
 I stand naked and accused
 (Should I surface this one man submarine?)
 I only want the truth
 So tonight we drink to youth!
 (I'll never lose what I had as a boy.)
 Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder
 Is there a spell that I am under
 Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Love hurts...
 But sometimes it's a good hurt
 And it feels like I'm alive.
 Love sings,
 When it transcends the bad things.
 Have a heart and try me,
 'cause without love I won't survive.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jAz_eomupI

Leap of Faith

In the end we all need to take a leap of faith in others but I know it is easier said then done. When every second counts in our lives we really do not have the time to waste it on hating and fighting. 

When we get hurt, we really hurt and the pain and sadness is so overwhelming. This is when we need to dig down deep to find the strength to pull ourselves out of the lost and emptiness we feel. Not easy.

It is not easy to forgive but we need take that leap so that we can find our neverland, our peace within ourselves and perhaps one day with others.

Milky

settle down kimbra

I wanna settle down
 I wanna settle down
 Won't you settle down with me?
 Settle down

We can settle at a table
 A table for two
 Won't you wine and dine with me?
 Settle down

I wanna raise a child
 I wanna raise a child
 Won't you raise a child with me?
 Raise a child

We'll call her Nebraska
 Nebraska Jones
 She'll have your nose
 Just so you know

I wanna settle down
 I wanna settle down
 Won't you settle down with me?
 Settle down

Run from Angela Vickers
 I saw her with you
 Monday morning small talking on the avenue
 She's got a fancy car
 She wants to take you far
 From the city lights and sounds deep into the dark

Star so light and star so bright
 First star I see tonight!
 Star so light and star so bright
 Keep him by side!

I wanna settle down
 I wanna settle down
 Baby there's no need to run
 I'll love you well
 I wanna settle down
 It's time to bring you down
 On just one knee for now
 Let's make our vows

Star so light and star so bright
 First star I see tonight!
 Star so light and star so bright
 Keep him by side!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHV04eSGzAA


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQAXoqV3fjs

So hard

Another day with a high fever and my lungs are going to explode. My ears are pounding. I had to cancel my doctors appointment and the appointment for the water filter replacement because I cannot get out of bed.

It is pretty bad when there is no one to help. I have to struggle just to get to the bathroom.

Milky

Gods plan

No one is around to here my cries, to ease my pain or to hold my. I will die alone and no one would care. It hurts knowing that I am not loved or important.

This is gods plan for me.

Milky

Death is better

Some days and nights like these I believe to be my last. Do not die willingly. There are times I wish that it would so that the suffering would stop. I am sick with no one to comfort me. I alone. Death is better.

Milky

I miss you - Incubus

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift, I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three fold utopian dream.
You do something to me
That I can't explain
Would I be out of line if I said
I miss you?
I see you picture
I smell your skin on the empty pillow
Next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days
But already I am wasting away
I know I will see you again
Whether far or soon
But I need you to know
That I care
And I miss you

Worsen

My lungs are going burst! Coughing blood - not a good sign. Fever 103.4 not good. Hurts to breathe and pain is so bad. It is like I am being stabbed again in the back. How much more can I endure when it is this bad?

Milky

Kill them

Going on two weeks with the water issue. It still has not been dealt with which is so crazy to me because water is important and a basic need. How do they not understand this? All I want to do is scream my head off but that will not do anything. So, I call and I talk calmly and say please and thank you. Kill them with kindness. I personally do not think that really works. But I know for sure yelling will not.

Milky

Mac Daddy

I think I have been hit by the Mac daddy of trucks. Everything hurts! Not just but real pain. There are to many illnesses happening all at once. My body cannot take much of this crap.

Milky

Under statement

Had a fever yesterday. Hospital. Have a fever, ear, throat and kidney infection. Hospital. Pneumonia set in. Hospital. Now, I cannot talk or breathe easily. My body aches so much. I have the chills and I am so tired. To say that I feel sick is an under statement. Oh, no sleep for me!

Milky

His letter to her - 5

A day spent in bed with my love

Even though the sun has risen, encouraging the birds to sing, and the breeze to blow... I still lay in bed with my love.

Sleeping in, nestled under the sheets against each other, this day is set aside for us. It shall be a day spent in bed. It all will start with ones awakening, a good morning stretch, and a soft word spoken with love to awaken the other. There are so many possibilities on how us two may spent this day, but in each others arms is how its planned to be. We both cuddle, acting cute and silly, frolicking and rolling around in the sheets till hunger strikes. A short break from the bedroom comes about as we both invade the kitchen to cook up a tasty breakfast. With our food prepared and the kitchen a mess, we take our dishes up back to where the day began. Eating breakfast in bed, chit chatting and trying not to make crumbs, this is a special moment, a moment in which a memory is made. Not caring about the time, it slips past unnoticed. With the two plates on the floor, and the two bodies back under the sheets its now come to mid day. Nothing has changed, the bed still possesses two lazy but comfy people, the only thing changing is time.

Laughs and giggles, stories and comments, these are of the many things taking place. Two people madly in love, expressing that love through touch, sight and sound. What better way to spent a day, a day with no concerns, no responsibilities, but with just one care.. To enjoy one another’s company, to enjoy the love and bond they share.

love life - from another blogger

Life Sucks, Truth is Truth and Life is Good
The blog is going to be all over the place.  My mind is racing with a thousand thoughts from too much caffeine, so bear with me.  I started out this morning with one particular thought, and it just snowballed from there.  Those of you that know me will understand from conversations with me that it often go in this direction.  So think of this as just casually sitting in Starbucks with me and listening to me ramble.  You have to by the coffee though.


Several years ago, when I was a Children’s Pastor, I ran an 8 week movie club for kids during the Summer.  The church that I was serving at had a huge multipurpose room with a big screen and sound system, so it was perfect for keeping a bunch of bunch of restless kids occupied for a at least one morning a week.  Each week featured a Disney or Pixar movie, complete with popcorn, and afterwards I would teach a short Bible lesson that tied into the main storyline.  Kind of a "hidden" message from God.  The week before the club began, I got a couple :anticipated" calls from concerned parents asking how secular movies would teach kids about God.  My favorite one was an irate mother chastising me for even daring to show movies of this type in a church!  Gasp!  I mean, we all know Woody and Buzz went to Hell after they were discarded and finally wore out, right?  Didn't Andy ask them where they would be in 100 years?


One of my dominate philosophies or theological beliefs is that God’s truth can be found everywhere.  Whether it’s a Disney movie, nature, everyday culture or even other religions, God’s truth can be found if we seek it out.  St. Augustine said, "Where I found truth, there found I my God, who is the truth itself."  His truth permeates creation and all of existence whether we like it or not.  (Psalm 19)  When you think about it, God can reveal a basic truth by any medium he wants, anywhere he wants and by any method He wants.  It reminds me of a scene from the 80s sci-fi movie Enemy Mine.  An alien, played by Lou Gossett Jr. is teaching his culture’s holy scriptures to a fighter pilot from Earth, played by Dennis Quaid.  They are both stranded on a deserted planet and soon become friends.  When Gossett reads a quote, that is almost word for word from Jesus' Sermon on the Mount, Quaid’s character responds, “You know, I’ve heard that before?”; to which this alien from a planet millions of miles from Earth responds, “Of course you have.  Truth is truth.”
 
This week I was watching the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still.  If you’ve seen it, you’ll recall the conversation between the two aliens, Klaatu and the Mr. Wu:


Klaatu: We need to prepare to leave.
Mr. Wu: I’m staying
Klaatu: You can’t stay here
Mr. Wu: I can and I will
Klaatu: If you stay you’ll die
Mr. Wu: I know, this is my home now.
Klaatu: You yourself call them the destructive race
Mr. Wu: That’s true. But still, there is another side.  You see, I love them. This is a very strange thing.  I can’t find a way to explain it to you. For many years I cursed my luck for being sent here.  Human life is difficult. But if this life is coming to an end, I consider myself lucky to have lived it.


When I heard this, I instantly saw a couple of deep and profound biblical truths: Human life is difficult.  (John 16:33)  The Bible is replete with examples of the sufferings we can expect while journeying through life.  Not only that, but in many ways, those that follow Christ are in fact "aliens" living in foreign bodies.  Yes, the Bible tells us that the body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, causing us to reflect on the importance of respecting the vessels we exist in, but we also know that there is much more to our existence than the physical shell that will one day return to the earth and die.  (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

Through our faith in Christ, we are Spiritual beings.  The substance that is the soul never dies and is greater than the physical body we live in. (2 Corinthians 5:8)  So while we live in the imperfect human body, we experience the imperfection in full.  Human life is hard and as with what Mr. Wu said in the above dialogue, we experience the same dichotomy while we walk this earth.  It's strange when you think about it.  We walk this earth, yearning for something more, sometimes cursing the life we live.  But I wonder how many of us would have just a bit of hesitation to leave it if we had the choice.  In reality, we know that our existence will experience much more in the world to come.  It's inconceivable.  But the temporal is often very hard to let go of despite the eternal reality of what we were really created for.      

The Devils Daughter

I have sinned and I am paying a huge price for my sins. The price of my sinful past has costed me a future. I will die alone as I have spent the majority of my life alone. It is amazing how spending so much time by myself has made me afraid to live and yet not afraid to die. My only question that I have but will never be answered is will I finally be at peace?

My fear is I will not.

Milky

100 pieces a month, for nothing!

It is almost over. A year of senseless writing. 1200 notes of nothing. Did anything I write change anything or anyone. No. It did not help me that I know for sure. What was the point? This was stupid and nothing I have said matters.

Milky

So very broken

The silence in the night keeps me awake and I am dying inside. I have hurt myself again and I have worsen in health. My mind races and I am so tired. I sleep but not a real sleep it is broken. I am broken and being okay never comes.

I have to hope for a better tomorrow and taking baby steps means nothing. I do not know what love or joy is anymore. I did not know what love is like from someone who cares. I have no love. I have nothing, no one and this will always be the same.

I am dying.

Milky

Who is

Up now reading my depressing words? Tell me, please?

Milky

All three

I am lost, hurt and alone. I have myself to blame for all three.

Milky

Easier to hate, me

Loving me is the hardest thing anyone will ever do. I do not make it easy with my pushing and running away. I make mistakes, I am not perfect and I have many flaws. I want for love, to love and to be loved but my trust in love lacks the basic needs.

Hating me comes easier, I think. For me it does.

Milky

Website Launched, today!

The new website is up and running. I have been adding photographs to it and I have been sitting on my butt for endless hours working on this bloody thing! It is so crazy! 

I like doing it in some degree but I do not know how people do this everyday for hours at a time. I cannot get anything else done because I am so focus on the graphics. The site was not the easiest to work with but I am sure that is because I really have no idea what I am doing. I am learning now!

I want everything to work out for the business and everyone involved so that there they can breathe easily when it comes to the money and getting enough orders to be successful.

I truly hope this works out!

Lots of new products and photographs. I think I am getting better at taking the photographs and placing them together. Or maybe not?

Milky

UV Cake Vodka

 The things that people come up with! It is both insane and yet I am sure so damn good!

Everyone knows I am by no means a drinker but at times I think I wish I were so that one I would not feel much pain, two I may actually sleep better and lastly sometimes what they make looks pretty good.  But I was never much of a drinker. It is a good thing as I would problem lose my liver the first month of drinking with how my body likes to fail me.

There have been the odd time that people have given me a drink that had  me on the drink and lord knows when I realize what they did I am not a happy person.

"What  is that noise?" I asked the next morning only to realize it was my head bouncing around in my head after a night on the drink! Damn Russian Vodka! That is all I have to say!

Milky

Rollerskating in the old hood

Fact:

When I was nine or ten I love to rolling skate not blade, skate! I would go up and down the block for hours. There was one day that was such a beautiful outside with the clear blue skies and the sun was hot on my face. (I had the stupidest pig tails which I always hated when she would put my hair up like that.) Getting off topic!

Back to that beautiful day. I came up to the end of the block but before I came make my turn I fell so hard to the ground after tripping over a cracked in the side walk. I cannot tell you how many times I had missed that spot but it finally caught up to me and it brought me down with the hardest fall ever!

John, who lived in the house where I fell came running up to help me. I was bleeding every where. I cut up my knees, hands, arms and I of course broke another bone. He picked me up (at the time it was puppy love, he was so damn dreamy, lol) His girlfriend (my dreamy guy and puppy love ended fast, lol) came out and they took me to the hospital.

Once again, I was cast up and everyone on the block was always around signing the cast and keeping me busy with other things. Like that would stop me from getting into trouble. Three weeks later I smashed the cast doing some random thing and the bone broke, more. The bone reset, a new cast fitted and I was back at it but this time I made it throw the six weeks.

YES YES! I know, so wrong! I was that kin of child!

Milky

Redeemer - Marilyn Manson

The hunger inside given to me, 

makes me what I am
Always it is calling me, 

for the blood of man.
They say I cannot be this, 

I am jaded, hiding from the day
I can't bare, 

I cannot tame the hunger in me.
Oh, I say I did and always searching, 

you can't fuck with me
So instead you'll taste my pain
The hunger inside given to me, 

makes me feel alive
Always out stalking prey, 

in the dark I hide
Feeling, falling, hating, 

feel like I am fading, hating LIFE!
They say I cannot be this, 

I am jaded, hiding from the day
I can't bare, 

I cannot tame the hunger in me.
Oh, I say I did and always searching, 

you can't fuck with fate
So instead you'll taste my pain
You say your life I'm taking, 

always bothering me, 

I can't take this anymore,
I'm failing, always smothering me
You look down on me,

hey what you see, 

take this gift from me, 

you will soon be ME!
Nothing seems exciting, 

always the same hiding.
It's haunting me 

It's haunting me 

It's haunting me 

It's haunting me
It's haunting me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZdwkizGQFs

Sucks

It is 4:33am. I am up for another crappy appointment. Not that it matters much because I am not sleeping. Everything inside me hurts and all I want to do is turn it all off. Turn my mind off. Turn my heart off so that I do not have to feel anything, anymore. If only it were that easy but of clearly it is not.

Milky

Temperature did you knows

• 
  Did you know when lightning strikes it can reach up to 30,000 degrees celsius (54,000 degrees fahrenheit)
• Did you know sponges hold more cold water than hot
• Did you know an elephants ears are used to regulate body temperature
• Did you know room temperature is defined as between 20 to 25°C (68 to 77°F)
• Did you know rubber bands last longer when kept refrigerated
• Did you know when water freezes it expans by 9%
• Did you know during a total solar eclipse the temperature can drop by 6°C (20°F)
• Did you know hot water freezes quicker than cold water
• Did you know sponges hold more cold water than hot
• Did you know your normal body temperature is 37°C (99°F)
• Did you know minus 40°C is exactly the same temperature as minus 40°F
• Did you know the frozen foods were first introduced in the 1920.
• Did you know the ideal temperature to fall asleep is between 18-30°c (64-86°f)
• Did you know Mercury is the only metal that is liquid at room temperature
• Did you know the only thing that can destroy a diamond is intense heat
• Did you know petrol has no specific freezing point (it can freezes at any temperature between -82 and -115°C (-180 and -240°F)
• Did you know the average shower tempreture is 38°C (101°F)
• Did you know coffee is generally roasted between 204 - 218°C (400 - 425°F) (the longer the beans are roasted the darker the roast)
• Did you know the winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze over completely
• Did you know the center of the Sun is approximately 15 million °C (27 million °F)

Dru Hill- We're Not Making Love No More

Sure I've been in love a time or two
But in the end I still chose you
No one could ever make me feel this way
That's why it's killing me, what we're going through
Somehow thought 'tween me and you
Our love would stand the test of time and never ever fade

[Chorus:]
But we're not making love no more
We're not even trying to change
Tell me how it slips away
Does it ever stay the same
We don't even talk no more
We've ran out of words to say
Tell me it don't have to change
Won't it ever stay the same

[Verse Two:]
Girl I know that things aren't going right
But don't you think it deserves a fight
A love like ours don't happen everyday
And we're losing it right as we speak
And if we don't wake up, it's a memory
A time gone past, a love that sailed away

[Chorus]

I dream of lovers past and
I see a girl so sad cause
She lost the only man she loved
He went away
Well it's not too late for us
To change

[Chorus]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2euZBKYGBzU

Penitents

I guess in a way my writing is my penitents for my past. Most of the things I write is random thoughts. I am not good at talking to others face to face so I put down on paper or in this case type words on a computer. Either way it is out and in the open.

Just talk! That is what I am suppose to do and it is suppose to work, along with breathing exercises. Which to be honest does not work. Not for me, anyway. I sit in a room for an hour not saying anyway. Even to this day I do not understand why I bother to go. The person who is suppose to listen gets paid to sit there! Talking or not! What a job. I mean I must be the easiest no head person in his life.

I have all these thoughts in my head but voicing them seems stupid, weak and of no importance to others. So, really what is the point?

I am a negative person and I only see the bad in myself and in others. There are a few people in my life that I trust but it is no where being enough.

Good people exist? I was one of them but now I am not. I think all the darkest and loneliness has taken over. All the bad things in my life has definitely taken over a huge part of my life. I do not know how to get pass all this stuff.

My penitents holding onto the bad and not letting any good into my life. 

Milky

Gets Bigger

Like I said in an earlier posting I made it to the year but after a few days, not so much. I lose control and the only thing to take one pain away is to cause other pain. That new pain is to fill in for some kind of short relief but that does not last to long because the pain in my heart grows greater, as the hole inside gets bigger.

I hate that I am like this. I can see myself and I think that I am crazy! Why am I like this, why do I do these things to myself and why the hell can I not just stop! STOP! 

I do not know how to hold onto the good but the BAD DAMNIT - that I know how to hold onto! It is RIDICULOUS! I am ridiculous. I am sitting thinking about what I want but it seems like everything I want is impossible. Every one I want is out of reach! 

How do I change this and if another person says baby steps, I am going to lose it!

Milky 

Never Be Found

These past few days have been a nightmare for me, one that I cannot wake up from. My body is shaking inside and the chills are making my bones cold. At every turn I make I am thrown into the deep end of the water. As hard as I try to swim I am not able to and I start to drown.

I cannot breathe and fighting seems to be detrimental. The past is suppose to be just that, the past. But it is truly haunting and I have been penitent, it is never enough! I am my own hell and I am on fire. 

How do I change this rage in me? How do I except the past and more on to the future? Am I stuck here because I see no future? Only illness and hate!

"You are smart, funny and intelligent!" Am I? Because I feel like I am the stupidest person alive. I am foolish and I have no control of anything that is going on in my life. I have no freedom.

Reasons that one person could like another are false or just lies to make you feel good. Reasons that make no sense, that were suppose to make sense because together they made sense. Now, I am left with no sense at all.

More heart and pain as each day goes by. I am lost and I will never be found.

Milky

The Weeknd - Wicked Games

I left my girl back home
I don't love her no more
And she'll never fucking know that
These fucking eyes that I'm staring at
Let me see that ass
Look at all this cash
And I emptied out my cards too
Now I'm fucking leaning on that

Bring your love baby I could bring my shame
Bring the drugs baby I could bring my pain
I got my heart right here
I got my scars right here
Bring the cups baby I could bring the drink
Bring your body baby I could bring you fame
And that's my motherfucking words too
Just let me motherfucking love you

Listen ma I'll give you all I got
Get me off of this
I need confidence in myself
Listen ma I'll give you all of me
Give me all of it
I need all of it to myself

So tell me you love me
Only for tonight
Only for one night
Even though you don't love me
Just tell me you love me
I'll give you what I need
I'll give you all of me
Even though you don't love me

Let me see you dance
I love to watch you prance
Take you down another level
Get you dancing with the devil
Take a shot of this
But I'm warning you
I'm on that shit that you can't smell baby
So put down your perfume

Bring your love baby I could bring my shame
Bring the drugs baby I could bring my pain
I got my heart right here
I got my scars right here
Bring the cups baby I could bring the drank
Bring your body baby I could bring you fame
And that's my motherfucking words too
So let me motherfucking love you

Listen ma I'll give you all I got
Get me off of this
I need confidence in myself
Listen ma I'll give you all of me
Give me all of it
I need all of it to myself

So tell me you love me
Only for tonight
Only for one night
Even though you don't love me
Just tell me you love me
I'll give you what I need
I'll give you all of me
Even though you don't love me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1OTWCd40bc

One year, today

It has been a year today since I had the breakdown. So many hearts broken and the pain still hurts. The hole in my chest is so great that there are days that I cannot breathe at all. I still cry and the tears will not stop, even when I try to hold them but I am still weak. I think of everyday when I wake up and every night when I bed. I am hoping you are doing well.

I was scared today of hurting myself like I did last year. But I have manage to get through the day. It helped that I had the engagement cupcakes to make and I really want their day to be special.

I am still breathing. I hope this new year I can learn to breathe without you.

Milky

Better Sleep

Two days since I had the breakdown. I am both nervous and lost over it. Nervous because I do not know if I will make it through another year and lost because I am still sick, alone and missing you.

I thought that by now it would not hurt as much but I am wrong it still hurts. I still cannot breathe easily and the hole in my chest has not closed up. It is still as awful as ever and I hate the feeling because it worries me that I will never get over you.

I just want things to get better, when will it be better? 

I want to sleep and really sleep. The kind of sleep that when you wake up in the morning you feel rested, alive and you jump up to get your day started with a smile or singing in the shower or just looking forward to what the day has to offer. That kind of sleep, the best kind of sleep.

MIlky

Web Designs

For the next little while I am going to be working on changes to the facebook page and the website to drum up some business. I hope this will workout.

Milky

City and Colour - Little Hell

What if I can't be all that you need me to be
We've got a good thing going, we have some promises to keep
But my addiction it can be such a detriment
Please believe in this my dear, I am more than penitent

What if everything’s just the way that it will be
Could it be that I am meant to cause you all this grief
My war ships are lying off the coast of your delicate heart
And my aim is steady and true as it's been right from the start

There's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me
From my haunted past comes a daunting task of living through memories.
If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall, stare into the past and forget it all

So when we leave it'll be a quick midnight escape
We'll disconnect ourselves from all of yesterday
I'll dig for water and fashion our very own wishing well
Then we'll throw our coins down hoping to rid of us of this little hell

There's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me
From my haunted past comes a daunting task of living through memories.
If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall, stare into the past and forget it all

Will we get out of this little hell
Will we get out of this little hell
Will we get out of this little hell
Will we get out of this little hell

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNNcTcW2XOc

Water issues - omg!

Having water is damn basic and I still do not have any. This is ridiculous to have to keep going through. I do not understand these people!

I am going to lose it on him soon!

Milky

Water issue update

Nothing.
Water is crap!
I am sick from it!
No news!
No report!
Oh, no updates!
No surprise there!

Milky

Went well

I went out this morning made it through alright. Got to see my peanut and apple which was great. I love them so much and they are going fast.

Next week is the engagement party. I am going to make cupcakes and go to that event. I am happy for the couple.

Hopefully it goes well.

Milky

Dave Mattews - Proudest Monkey

Swing in this tree
Oh I am bounce around so well
Branch to branch,
Limb to limb you see
All in a day's dream
I'm stuck
Like the other monkeys here
I am a humble monkey
Sitting up in here again
But then came the day
I climbed out of these safe limbs
Ventured away
Walking tall, head high up and singing
I went to the city
Car horns, corners and the gritty
Now I am the proudest monkey you've ever seen
Monkey see, monkey do

Then comes the day
Staring at myself I turn to question me
I wonder do I want the simple, simple life that I once lived in well
Oh things were quiet then
In a way they were the better days
But now I am the proudest monkey you've ever seen
Monkey see, monkey do
Monkey see, monkey do


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh I Used to live in a tree
I loved it but I thought it wasn't enough for me...
So I paved a road to the city
For me...and for the rest of the monkeys
I'm on the scene-
Yes I'm on the scene...again.
Yes I'm this proud monkey...leading the way.
So...
When we must leave...
For good
I am the proudest monkey...
That I'm aware o'
Monkey see, monkey do, hit my tail.
Monkey see, monkey do.

When I walk, I walk so tall
Not bent all double over...
Like the other monkeys, that I know
But still I don't know:
If I'm so good or
If heavens the place to go or
If hell is where we were
If Sinnin'g's what we do
I know that I'm A smartest monkey
That I am aware o'
Monkey see, monkey do. Monkey see.


Who are they
Who are they everywhere
Who is this monkey
Thinks he is so great
Who taught this monkey to
We taught this monkey to
Turn in the trail of his friends?
We are the proudest monkeys
We are the proudest monkeys
You and me are the proudest monkeys
You and I am the proudest monkeys
Monkey see, monkey do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvLOm9Ewuh8

Sia - I Go to Sleep

When I look up from my pillow
I dream you are there with me
Though you are far away
I know you'll always be near to me

I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me
I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me

I look around me
And feel you are ever so close to me
Each tear that flows from my eye
Brings back memories of you to me

I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me
I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me

I was wrong, I will cry
I will love you till the day I die
You were all, you alone and no one else
You were meant for me

When morning comes again
I have the loneliness you left me
Each day drags by
Until finally my time descends on me

I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me
I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGcdAPhKigQ

Alex Cornish - Rely

This is a beautiful song. Hope you enjoy it.

http://prostopleer.com/#/tracks/5050062Reyp

Paul Gauguin - Artist

 I love his work and have two of his pieces. 

Paul Gauguin (1848–1903) was a leading 19th century Post-Impressionist artist, painter, sculptor, printmaker, ceramist and writer. His bold experimentation with color directly influenced modern art in the 20th century while his expression of the inherent meaning of the subjects in his paintings, under the influence of the cloisonnist style, paved the way to Primitivism and the return to the pastoral. He was also an influential proponent of wood engraving and woodcuts as art forms.^[1][2]

Read more at wikipedia

https://www.google.ca/search?q=paul+gauguin+paintings&hl=en&tbo=d&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=PPf5UJfAE6eZ0QHD6IDwBQ&ved=0CAcQ_AUoAA&biw=1366&bih=673

Trusting People

Trusting people is not something I do well and I am reminded why. You cannot trust anyone but yourself! Opening up is a mistake and I wish I never did with anyone. As mean as that may sound or as much as I hate saying it - it is true.

People may have good intentions but in the end someone always gets hurt for trusting someone. It is amazing how knowing this never really prepares you when you do get hurt by another. You are surprised to a point but at the same time not so much.

You hate yourself for getting caught up in the trust and all you want to do is scream or go back to that moment you realized that you trusted that person. Just take it back and move forward. Close yourself off, lock up the key, or throw it away but do not give into the allure of giving another person your trust.

People will say and do anything to get what they want so that they will feel good. I have trusted so many people and I have been burn many times. I made mistakes too, do not get me wrong. I fcuked up! I will never go back there, again. But I also do not want to be the one getting hurt either.

I am tired.

Milky

The most beautiful suicide

On May 1, 1947, Evelyn McHale leapt to her death from the observation deck of the Empire State Building. Photographer Robert Wiles took a photo of McHale a few minutes after her death.


The photo ran a couple of weeks later in Life magazine accompanied by the following caption:

On May Day, just after leaving her fiancé, 23-year-old Evelyn McHale wrote a note. 'He is much better off without me ... I wouldn't make a good wife for anybody,' ... Then she crossed it out. She went to the observation platform of the Empire State Building. Through the mist she gazed at the street, 86 floors below. Then she jumped. In her desperate determination she leaped clear of the setbacks and hit a United Nations limousine parked at the curb. Across the street photography student Robert Wiles heard an explosive crash. Just four minutes after Evelyn McHale's death Wiles got this picture of death's violence and its composure.

 From McHale's NY Times obituary, Empire State Ends Life of Girl, 20:

At 10:40 A. M., Patrolman John Morrissey of Traffic C, directing traffic at Thirty-fourth Street and Fifth Avenue, noticed a swirling white scarf floating down from the upper floors of the Empire State. A moment later he heard a crash that sounded like an explosion. He saw a crowd converge in Thirty-third Street. 

Two hundred feet west of Fifth Avenue, Miss McHale's body landed atop the car. The impact stove in the metal roof and shattered the car's windows. The driver was in a near-by drug store, thereby escaping death or serious injury. 

On the observation deck, Detective Frank Murray of the West Thirtieth Street station, found Miss McHale's gray cloth coat, her pocketbook with several dollars and the note, and a make-up kit filled with family pictures.

The serenity of McHale's body amidst the crumpled wreckage it caused is astounding. Years later, Andy Warhol appropriated Wiles' photography for a print called Suicide (Fallen Body), but I can't find a copy of it anywhere online. Anyone?

From website http://kottke.org/08/07/the-most-beautiful-suicide

Cracked

Another Canadian show film in Toronto. It is a pretty good show.

Warehouse 13
Rookie blue
Lost girl
Nikita (I was surprised)
Beauty and the beast
Alphas
The listener

Just to name a few.

Milky

Live again

We walk through life not really knowing who we are. We want to believe that we truly know those around us but we really do not. Each of us have secrets and problems that we never want to see come to light. We hide from all the things that we do not want others to see. We build up walls to protect ourselves and when someone tries to break them down, we get scared.

We start to second guess those close to us but what is worse we cannot trust ourselves with ourselves. This is when life becomes lost to everyone and to ourself. Climbing up of this hole is hard and baby steps take time. The problem is time is short and we are wasting it because living is hard to do.

We come down on ourselves hard and that just makes things worse. The people around us want to help but our walls are strong so breaking them will not be easy. Sometimes it take that one person who does not give and will keep trying to help you break down the walls. It is never going to be easy but when you have someone like that around you may find yourself on the other side of that tough wall one day. Hopefully sooner, rather then later and you will live again.

Milky

Panic setting in

I am going out tomorrow for the first time in a long time. I am not 100% looking forward to it because there is going to be a lot of people around. As much as I want to be out I am nervous and feel panic setting in. Hopefully that will pass soon before getting there.

Milky

Jessie J Momma Knows Best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRwESiqEMcc

Amazing Race

Is coming to Canada that should interesting. I really like that show and all the great places they get to explore. I cannot wait to see what they do in the Canadian one.

Milky

Funny Dog

Hugo is such a trouble maker! First he snatch my toast, now he manage to start the dish washer. At first I thought that the damn dish washer was running by a ghost as it kept going off on its own but tonight I witnessed Hugo pressing his paws against the buttons and now it is on! What a dog! To funny.

Milky

CupCake Pops

I am going to test out a new gadget to make cupcake pops. I am hoping that they turn out well and I am able to add them to the menu. These little cupcakes will package well and I can do a giveaway package to promote. I want to do this with the hideaways too.

We will see how well it works soon.

Milky

Tattoo two

The second tattoo. Save me from myself. I hope. Eternity forever. A way to stop me from all the crazy hurt I want to feel when I am at my end.

Milky

Phillip Phillips - Gone Gone Gone

When life leaves you high and dry
I'll be at your door tonight
If you need help, if you need help
I'll shut down the city lights,
I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe
To make you well, to make you well

When enemies are at your door
I'll carry you away from war
If you need help, if you need help
Your hope dangling by a string
I'll share in your suffering
To make you well, to make you well

Give me reasons to believe
That you would do the same for me

And I would do it for you, for you
Baby, I'm not moving on
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone
I love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

When you fall like a statue
I'm gon' be there to catch you
Put you on your feet, you on your feet
And if your well is empty
Not a thing will prevent me
Tell me what you need, what do you need

I surrender honestly
You've always done the same for me

So I would do it for you, for you.
Baby, I'm not moving on
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone.
I love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone gone gone.

You're my back bone,
You're my cornerstone
You're my crutch when my legs stop moving
You're my head start,
You're my rugged heart
You're the pulse that I've always needed
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum my heart never stops beating

For you, for you
Baby I'm not moving on
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
Baby I'm not moving on,
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone.
I love you long, long after you're gone.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating
Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you

And long after you're gone, gone, gone.
I love you long after you're gone gone, gone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eThpyx8ouOc

Recipe handed down

My mother in law taught this dish to me and when I make it, family and friends like it. That makes me happy.

Milky
pasta of your choice
tuna
red tomatoe sauce
red wine
garlic
salt and pepper
parsley
black olives
slow cook for a day

Tattoo Forever

The new tattoo. Choosing one, the right one is important because you do have to live it forever. I am ready to live with it, forever. Do you see what is hidden in it? A way to keep you.

Milky

Not talking

 This says it all! Life is hard, heart kills, silence is crippling and you are not there. That is the worse part of everything. My days are long and my nights are longer. I think about you all of the time and hope that you are well. I hope everything is getting better and you have chosen a good path for yourself. One that is safe and healthy and makes you happy.

Milky

Adele - One And Only

You've been on my mind
 I grow fonder every day,
 Lose myself in time
 Just thinking of your face
 God only knows
 Why it's taken me so long
 To let my doubts go
 You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
 Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
 You never know if you never try
 To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
 Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
 So come on and give me the chance
 To prove that I'm the one who can
 Walk that mile until the end starts

If I've been on your mind
 You hang on every word I say
 Lose yourself in time at the mention of my name
 Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close?
 And have you tell me whichever road I choose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared 'cause I've been here before
 Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
 You'll never know if you never try
 To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
 I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
 So come on and give me the chance
 To prove that I'm the one who can
 Walk that mile until the end starts

I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
 I Know it ain't easy, giving up your heart

(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it)
 I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
 (Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it)
 I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
 (Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it)
 I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
 (Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it)
 I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart

So I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
 I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
 So come on and give me a chance
 To prove that I'm the one who can
 Walk that mile until the end starts
 Come on and give me a chance
 To prove that I'm the one who can
 Walk that mile until the end starts.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbz6f_xGqWI

Creedence - Have You Ever Seen The Rain

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEY8clFcm2E

What is the point

of arguing when you are told you are wrong all of the time. I explain things very clearly but if the other person is not willing to listen then nothing can be said. It is frustrating and upsetting.

It would be nice if someone would listen to me, again. Not going to happen.

Milky

to much

For most people when they fall to rock bottom the only place to go is up. But what happens to those who's rock button is never ending. Mine is never ending and it is crippling as well as devastating. 

I do not know how to climb out of this. I have no answer for all the questions I have or for the concerns I have. I just want to be okay but I guess that is to much to ask for.

Milky

Water issues 4

The water filter guy came today. If things could not get worse, they just did. The plumber destroyed the unit and it needs to be replaced. I have been exposed to the awful water for months and have been super sick. The last few days have been awful. Headaches, nose bleeds, dizziness, weakness and vomiting.

It will take days if not longer to replace the unit, so that means no water. Insane, as it is a basic need. I do not understand.

More to come.

Milky

Quantifiable did you knows

Did you know 11% of people are left handed
 Did you know a bear has 42 teeth
 Did you know 8% of people have an extra rib
 Did you know 85% of plant life is found in the ocean
 Did you know the Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters
 Did you know armadillos have 4 babies at a time and are all the same sex
 Did you know the longest recorded flight of a chicken was 13 seconds
 Did you know a cat has 32 muscles in each ear
 Did you know cats spend 66% of their life asleep
 Did you know Switzerland eats the most chocolate equating to 10 kilos per person per year
 Did you know when lightning strikes it can reach up to 30,000 degrees celsius (54,000 degrees fahrenheit)
 Did you know Tennessee is bordered by 8 states: Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina and Virginia - more than any other in the US
 Did you know the longest street in the world is Yonge street in Toronto Canada measuring 1,896 km (1,178 miles)
 Did you know about 90% of the worlds population kisses
 Did you know sound travels almost 5 times faster underwater than in air
 Did you know toilets use 35% of indoor water use
 Did you know Koalas sleep around 18 hours a day
 Did you know the average speed of a skydiver is 200kph (124mph)
 Did you know all insects have 6 legs
 Did you know that 90% of an iceberg sits under water

Did you know African Grey Parrots have vocabularies of over 200 words

 Did you know a giraffe can clean its ears with its 21 inch tongue

 Did you know the Grand Canyon can hold around 900 trillion footballs

 Did you know all the blinking in one day equates to having your eyes closed for 30 minutes

 Did you know your foot has 26 bones in it

 Did you know the average human brain contains around 78% water

 Did you know your brain uses between 20 - 25% of the oxygen your breathe

 Did you know 1 nautical knot equates to 1.852 Kph (1.150 mph)

 Did you know if you add up all the numbers from 1 to 100 consecutively (1 + 2 + 3...) it totals 5050

 Did you know lightning strikes the Earth 6,000 times every minute

 Did you know cats have over 100 vocal chords

 Did you know elephants sleep between 4 - 5 hours in 24 period

 Did you know a 1/4 of your bones are in your feet

 Did you know a 'jiffy' is actually 1/100th of a second

 Did you know on your birthday you share it with 9 million others

 Did you know 1 googol is the number 1 followed by 100 zeros

 Did you know a 1 minute kiss burns 26 calories

 Did you know a hummingbird's heart beats at over a 1,000 times a minute

 Did you know dragonflies have 6 legs but can't walk

 Did you know in 1878 the first telephone book made contained only 50 names

 

Not worthy

At times that is what or all I ever think about. I feel worthless and it starts to overwhelm me. I breakdown because at the end of the day I feel defeated. I try not to think this way but I do not know how to overcome this feeling.

Each passing day I get worse in health and in mind. I am tired all the time but do not sleep much. It is exhausting being tired, feeling worthless and trying to stop myself from doing more harm to myself.

I hate not having control and not finding the right path to take at this fork in the road. Admitting that I am wrong was never an issue, I can say I am wrong but admitting that I am not okay does not come easy either. I mean I can write it down but not tell someone face to face.

I do not want to be judged or even hated. I want to do things that will change my life and have better choices to choose from. For once it would be nice to do things that I like, have someone real to talk to, laugh with and be with. 

It just seems that I am not allow to be happy or loved. My story is written and it is an awful story. No happy endings.

Milky

Water issues - 3

There was a pipe that broke. There replaced it and we have running water again. Now the water filter guy needs to come in and we will have safe water again!

What a crazy day!

Milky

Water issues - 2

Part 2

The water well guys are here and they found the well. It was right in front of the house. We had these huge brushed in front of the house and the side of the driveway. Of course it was something I really liked about the house because when the brushes are filled with green it blocks the world out along with the sounds of the passing cars. But of course they had to cut them out to get the truck in!

We still cannot use the water for another day and the filter guy is suppose to come tomorrow. This is an never ending story.

Poor Phoenix has to stay in the family room and he just wants to play. I hate this. It is so unfair that I have to lock him up.

Stay tune...

Milky

New Website

I am working on a new website for the business that is suppose to be better. The issue is the program for it is a pain in my side and not as easy for me to use. This does not suck at all! (she sighs)

If I change one font all the others change too! What a pain. It has a spot to put the logo but I am not able to insert the logo? It keeps asking me to type it in? I do not get it. (she sighs, again)

I really want this site to work as they work with google hand in hand. We are on google's first page when you do look us up but this new site is suppose to give more exposer. I hope so.

Milky

Phoenix, my old boy

Everyday my puppy grows older. He has more grey hair around his mouth and face. He sleeps more and now he wants to sleep with me all of the time.

At times we will be downstairs but he will go up to my bedroom and curl up on my bed. He will stay there alone for hours and sleep. He was never like this. He hated being alone.

Some people have said that when dogs are ill or know that they are dying they find a dark and quiet place to do it. I hope this is not what Phoenix is doing. I would miss him like crazy. Phoenix and Hugoboss are all that I have and are always with me. It would hurt me so much.

Milky

Chatting

The last few weeks I have been playing words with friends and I have started chatting with the other players on line. Just randomness. One guy is a father of three, he is on medical discharge from being shot while overseas. A boy who is 16, hates school and loves girls (of course) A college girl who study's hard but stays up to late which causes her to be late for classes.

There are a few more. What brings us together is one we all play words with friends and two we all not do sleep well. Turns out I am not the only one. Good to know.

Milky

Upsetting

Still no orders! I do not know what to do. I keep working at it but now I think I need to just give up. I want to leave the house but when I do I start to panic! This is where my life is now.

Not living around others has been both upsetting and fine. Upsetting because I miss everyone and fine because I do not have to pretend that I am okay. I hide away but I have agreed to go out this Saturday morning for a visit. I hope it goes well.

Milky

Looper

I wanted to watch this when it came out but never got the chance. I ordered on television the other day. It was good. It was interesting to see how everything unfolded.

I wish my future self would have come back into my life 20 years ago and I could have changed everything and not be here now. It life could be so easy. But as clear as it was in the movie - that is just not possible.

For some life sucks!

Milky

Water - Basic Need

I am not what there is to not understand but water is a basic need in any house. Unless there is something I do know?

The water pressure is so weak and we cannot shower. I had to call the repair guy every hour yesterday for him to send us some dork that made things much worse.

Now there is a guy here who deals with water wells. It is unbelievable to me that he sent the first guy in the first place. That one is asking me plumbing questions? He is the plumber not me. What a joke.

So after all that he starts yelling at me at 2am asking me what is going on!!! (which I left a detailed text to him explaining everything) So, why he felt the need to wake me to yell at me is insane!

Hopefully this guy knows what he is doing and everything gets squared away. It is fine when I have to deal with everything in this house myself but when it affects him - game over. He gets pissed off and that is breaking the rules.

Stay tuned...

Milky

The book

I opened the brown leather binding journal you gave me, today! I read what you wrote me all over again. I had no idea that it would be so crippling to me. I broke down in a matter of seconds and it pains me to admit that I both love you and hate you. I have mixed feelings over everything that has happened. Anything would be better then this awful pain in my heart!

Milky

Job + Sister?

My sister landed a job and she is really excited. I am happy for her and hope that everything works out. I want her to have independence and to be free to live her life without having to depend on others.

As long as she is under that roof she will never truly be free and healthy. That woman is going to make her more sick with each passing day. 

My sister knows she always has a place to come to no matter what and with no strings attached. I am always going to love her and help her as much as I can.

We have had to live a hard life while in the present of that witch. Believe me when I say that having that witch for a mother - you can say hell does live! We are truly burning in the arms of hell.

Milky

Bake House!

I am going stir crazy! When I am this insane I seem to turn to baking, which is not a good thing because when I bake I really have no one to eat it!

Cinnamon Spice Cake with Whip Cream - HomeMade by Milky

Replace the bad

Finding someone you connect with is not always easy but once in awhile it does happen. You find common interest and if you are lucky they have the seem sense of dry witty sarcasm as you do but they also have the sensitive side that makes your relationship the perfect balance.

You found someone to laugh with, cry with and be open with. Everything is as it should be even if there are fears of being hurt and left to be alone. That one person will be the one to call you out from all the b*llsh*t that you tell others.

That one person will always be there when you call and have a shoulder to cry on when you are overwhelmed with the lost and pain in your heart. That person will not just listen but truly hear what you are saying and they will feel want you are going through, even if you do not want them to.

At times you will try to push them away but they will just pull you back in because they have no intentions of letting the darkness consume who you are bad or good. They see something inside of you that you could never see.

Now you are left with this battle of over coming all of the bad and as much as you do not want to face these fears - you have to. You MUST! Take each day at a time as chiche as that is, it is true.

Listen to yourself and really hear what your heart is telling you and use your mind to sort out all of the bad. Start replacing the bad with the good, let more good inside.

Milky

Hillary Lindsey - Change your mind

When you wake up wanting me, and
you can't go back sleep
change your mind

When you're weak and all alone,
and your reaching for the phone
change your mind

Keep on going till you're gone
even when you think it's wrong
when you look back in regret the
moment that you let change your
mind

baby don't come back this time, don't
want to say goodbye all over again

so if you think there's still a chance to make it right and I'm 
the only one you want tonight

change your mind
change your mind

in the early morning haze, when my
kiss is all you crave
let it go

cause I don't want to do that
dance, the push and pull, a 
second chance

I already know
I know

you'll just promise me forever and then
you'll take it back, just like that saying you
can't live without me
then you'll change your mind

so baby don't come back this time,
don't wanna have to say goodbye...
\
all over again

so if you think there's still a chance to
make things right...

change your mind
change your mind

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3SuONZ_InKQ