Gets Bigger

Like I said in an earlier posting I made it to the year but after a few days, not so much. I lose control and the only thing to take one pain away is to cause other pain. That new pain is to fill in for some kind of short relief but that does not last to long because the pain in my heart grows greater, as the hole inside gets bigger.

I hate that I am like this. I can see myself and I think that I am crazy! Why am I like this, why do I do these things to myself and why the hell can I not just stop! STOP! 

I do not know how to hold onto the good but the BAD DAMNIT - that I know how to hold onto! It is RIDICULOUS! I am ridiculous. I am sitting thinking about what I want but it seems like everything I want is impossible. Every one I want is out of reach! 

How do I change this and if another person says baby steps, I am going to lose it!

Milky