matters not

We all have said at one point or another "there is not enough time in the day to get things done." For me this is true and yet not so much. I have things to do and there is never enough time to do it but what I am saying is that there is to much time for my mind to think.

I am not able to turn off my own mind. It just thinks about the everything. Some days I am so tired that I think that there is no way that I will be able to go on like this but to my own surprise, I think even harder.

I over think about the move, packing, cleaning, to the bigger things like no roof over my head. I think about what will happen over the next few months. How bad are things going to get? It is just so much and talking about these things - for me - it really does not help me at all.

I do all the breathing crap that the doctors say to do but that does nothing. I focus on other things but I end up at the same damn thoughts and in the end I just want to die.

I wanted a real life, with a real family and to grow old and grey, watching my grandchildren with that one special love. Now, I am never going to see that happen. My life has been nothing but a waste of space. It is empty and cold. I am alone with no possible support or love from another. I do not know how I got here. I hate it so much. I wish ... It matters not.

Milky