jake says:
hi
moneypenny says:
Hi.
jake says:
how are you?
moneypenny says:
What is on your mind, friend? I am okay, thank you.
jake says:
little bit of everything
moneypenny says:
Please do not hold back.You can talk to me, freely. Anytime.
jake says:
im not good at talking about these things...
which is problem number one for me
moneypenny says:
No one ever is. You do not have to be good at it. You just need to talk about it or even write it down.
jake says:
I feel like its hard for me to be human. show emotions and be as natural as possible
moneypenny says:
Bottling everything and turning yourself inside out, like no one could understand or perhaps they may think you are crazy?
jake says:
ive always been the quiet person, the calm person, go with the flow, i never do things for myself, or have any true desires in life to go out and accomplish anything.
ive always been the person that others expect me to be, to never dissapoint anybody or do anything out of the spur of the moment. and i cant take it anymore..
moneypenny says:
So, do not.
Jake, you are a good person. What you feel is important and you do matter.
You are kind and you can still help others but you have to be yourself. I am always telling myself to just breathe, you should too.
Take small steps. But be truthful to yourself. It is not wrong.
I am sure that at times you feel like you are drowning and have nothing or no one to grab onto.
It is frustrating. Believe me, I know.
jake says:
its very frustrating..
I have so many regrets already in my life and im only 25
moneypenny says:
Regrets are a hard thing to deal with.
I know. I have many.
I can tell you that it does get better...
but sometimes it takes time. And it really does not make you feel better but the fact is once you decide to take control of your own fate - you can and will conquer your fears.
jake says:
i dont know how to do that
moneypenny says:
As silly as this is..
write. It is something I am doing a lot, now. I cry a lot still and I have many bad moments but when I write I feel like I still have a voice - maybe I matter.
Write whatever comes to your mind.
A list, thoughts, small goals, larger goals. Anything.
You do not have to make sense of it all at once but when you start to write things down..
things you want or desire become clearer.
I think you will have a better understanding of yourself.
jake says:
are you kidding me? you do matter, i see how many people you touch, youre great wth people, youve done alot for others
ill give it a try..
moneypenny says:
I know it is not easy to talk about what is on your mind.
But you can always talk to me.
jake says:
i just dont want this feeling that i have nothing to look forawrd to or i have no drive in life. this past year its just been go to work. go to sleep. go to work. it sucks.
moneypenny says:
After everything that has happened. All I do is write. About everything and anything. I am trying to make sense of everything.
Your life has purpose.
jake says:
if it helps i will try..
i want control of my life..ive never felt like ive ever had any say in my life.
moneypenny says:
It is not just the writing, it is in your music too.
You do have say.
Use your voice.
I can hear you.
jake says:
music is the only time i escape from this feeling.
but i cant just play guitar all the time you know
moneypenny says:
Use it. I know you have more in you then just music but when you feel anxiety just use it and then try something else.
Think about the things that make you happy, force on that.
Take baby steps, that is what everyone keeps telling me.
jake says:
this is the first time ive talked about my actual feelings in like 5 years. i cant even do something like this with my own family
because ill feel weak infront of them
moneypenny says:
Sometimes it is easier to talk to someone outside your everyday life.
I am not going to judge you.
You have to be honest with yourself and if you can be honest to just one other person it makes a difference.
You are not weak and you have strength in you.
I believe in you.
jake says:
this does help...even just a little bit.
i just dont want to be the person ive been anymore
moneypenny says:
Most people do not like who they and want change but it can be hard to do.
You took your first step.
One of many.
jake says:
i know i need help with this...ive been afraid to admit it.
moneypenny says:
You do not need to be afraid. I know easier said then done.
jake says:
after reading some of the things youve been through and seeing what happened in the past with your family like i admire all the thigns youve done, and the things youve been through make me think i could never do any of that. I hate how my life has been so sheltered and directed.
i want experiences which im afraid to do on my own
moneypenny says:
My life has not been good, you know that. There have been more bad things then good. You have seen a lot with your eyes but you know you have time to do many good things.
You can do it. You can get through this.
You have so much life in you and you will find your path.
You will have your ups and downs but you write your own story.
Life will be the hardest job you will ever have.
There will be moments for greatness. And moments for crap! But it is what you take, believe or even learn from the each of them will allow you to make new choices.
You learn to accept yourself little by little and you open your mind to new ideas, wants and desires.
Some days will be bad and you will feel like you are drowning but if you take a moment, slow down and breathe slowly, you can take control.
jake says:
this is the first "real" talk ive had in a long time...i cant even remember.
thank you
moneypenny says:
Please do not ever feel like you cannot ever talk to me because you can. We have known each other a long time and I care about you, Jake.
Anytime day or night, okay?
jake says:
i will
this has almost felt like a little bit of a break through..but theres still a lot of things i have to deal with..
moneypenny says:
Talk it through.
But at your own pace.
No pressure, okay.
jake says:
ok.
i should probably go make myself some dinner, this was a good talk..thanks
moneypenny says:
Okay. I am glad my cooking lesson are going to good use. Have a goodnight.
jake says: ya i cook alot now. you too
talk soon
Milky
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