Routines

For so long there was a routine. Everyday, I was used to doing things with someone and now I have to change my routine. Some days are hard, while others days are impossible to get there. Everything we once did now makes me sick to my tummy. I breakdown in tears and it is so hard to breathe.

Hours of conversations, support and kindness are replacement with heartache, unseen bruises and cruel silence. Were there was once trust, there is none now. Trust is a difficult thing, in the end the only person we can truly trust is ourself? But is that true?

At times I think we destroy our own trust because we are filled with so many emotions that we sabotage our own life. How do we stop ourselves? I am not sure if there is an answer. I suppose we need to take each day, or even each minutes, one step at a time. Try to understand our own emotions.My routines now are completely different from before and the days and nights are longer. More time to think which is not always a good thing because it is more time to remember what I have lost. More time to grieve, more time to understand that I cannot time back time and more time to know that what I want most will never come true.

Personal history in ones life can be cold and cruel. For some we go through one trauma, while for others we go through several.

Happiness is suppose to be good for your health, you are free and clear but when happiness is taken away back trauma or simply from a stupid mistake how do you come back from that?It is amazing how our world was one way, one minute and now it is forever changed, do you think we are ready? Are we ready to forget the past and all the good that once filled our days? Are we ready to leave everything behind? We both know that everything has changed and cannot never be what it once was but letting go and forgetting, how? Think about regrets? Hate? (Now the tears swell and begin to fall, again)

Pick away at the bad and remove them, hold on to the good and respect them because that was what was real, pure and true. Maybe it is time to break free and take a chance. A chance to forgive, a chance to open up and release all the emotions that consume our hearts and our minds.

I once snapped my fingers to be someone else and for some time I was. It was beautiful, wonderful and exciting. I was cared for, loved and I felt important. I mattered for the first time - in a long time. I was happy, laughed a lot, I was heard and what I said, my opinions mattered. I had a voice and I was respected but now, am I heard? Do I matter, am I important and do I have love?

Maybe, I am missing my own point. I guess my point is this...

Have you ever felt like everything is going so great in your life and somehow you do not deserve it and that something bad is going to happen just to even things out? I am sure everyone does have this thought come to mind often at some point in there lives. I have had my fair share of misfortune, trauma and lost. I have always thought that dying would even the score and everyone around could have peace, finally.

For some we give up on hope, while others may start to give up on hope, they begin to realize that they will give anything to keep on living and hold on harder to hope.

The fear and guilt in my heart is deep, deeper then before and I wonder if it is possible to throw away my conscious, live for today and forget about the past but that is not who I am. Maybe I just need to be patient. "Time heals all wounds" But the secrets eat away and confronting them, (let the chips fall were they lay) has been proven to cause so much heartache and pain. No one really knows what we are feeling but each other. No one else was there but us.

I have no where to escape but to the memories. I hold onto the voice, the laugh and all that was good. I regret the pain, the hurt and all that was lost. I just do not know how to move forward. How? My voice of calm and reason is gone. My heart is gone. No, there is no hope?

My routines have changed. No more movies, no more television shows, no more reading, no more long talks, no more music and no more love. Now, there is only endless doctor appointments. Some many questions, panic attacks, anxiety and sleepless nights.

Just Breathe!
Milky