Lost Letter

No more letters...


There will  never any words that could ever express how sorry I truly am for causing you pain and tears over me. I have made many mistakes in my life and lying to you is one. I have cost you a year of you life and you put your life on hold for me. That is something I am both thankful and regretful for. Nothing was ever suppose to happen between us. I wrote so many letters to you trying to explain and to stop us from happening. But I did not know how to let you go because I wanted you so much. I was selfish.

I was alone, hurt, sad and my fears took over my life. I never knew who was going to hurt me both phyically and emotionally. I could not trust anyone and I forgot what it was like to trust and to love, be loved. I was barely holding onto life. My fear of becoming my mother haunted me so much and I just thought... These are not excuses, nor should I be excused for my actions.

I need you to know that you changed everything for me. You opened my heart breaking all the ice around it and the next thing I knew I was falling madly and deeply in love with. Everyday that went by you showed me love and kindness and my heart grew warmer, wanting more. That was selfish of me. I have been very selfish to you and to my family and my closest friends. If I could just go back to that day and press 'no' you would not be in this pain right now.

YOU ARE A GOOD MAN! Please do not think for one second that you did something bad to deserve the bad things that I have done to you because you DID NOTHING WRONG! This is all me and my failure to trust you, trust that you would understand that there are things in my life that seem unreal and not possible but still want to be with me. I wish I never told you anyway about my personal life and my past maybe it would have been better for you, not to know.

I do not regret loving you and I am forever and always going to love you. I am going to hold everything about you close to my heart. I replay your words over and over again. Replay the messages I have always saved so that I can hear your voice, your sweet sweet voice. I cannot tell you how much your words freed me from so much pain or how much peace you gave me.

For the first time I believed I was important and loved me, the silly, foolish, emotional, crazy nerd that I am.The girl you hear playing with the dogs and children. I felt for the first that it was okay to breathe and to love, again. I felt like I found my way to have a life, a real life without the danger, without the violence and without having to be someone I am not. I thought that I could just be myself and that I did not have to be perfect or please you all the time out of duty.

But I know all of this does not matter. I failed you. I have failed friends and my family. Another year of my life was lost but this time, for the first time I was not alone because I had you. You made each day better for me and I fought so hard to get better, to be better. For the first time I wanted to live, to really live and have a happy life. A fullfilling life with you and so much more.

My heart is broken now, not because of you but because of me. The worse part is that I broke your heart. I pray to everything that is Holy God or not that you will be okay and know that you are strong enough to get through this mess I caused you. I pray that you will open yourself to love, again. You will find that one person that is truly yours and you will love her and she will love you back because IT IS NOT HARD TO LOVE! You are kind, you are important, you do matter and you are loved. You will be loved, always.

I could never ask you for forgiveness, or for you to show me mercy, or to keep loving me and above all I know I could never ask you to believe in me. I am sorry that I betrayed you, your trust. I am sorry that ruined your life and I wish I could take it back, give it back to you. All the things you said that changed in you, I hope you keep within you forever because you really are a better man.

Thank you for sharing your life with me. Thank you for the love you have given me, I will cherish it always. I thank you for showing me kindness even in the end.I am going to love you forever and I am going to miss you everyday second, and with every last breath I take. Love is not always kind, pure and good. Sometimes there are flaws and mistakes that are made, forgiveness is given and we love again because it is suppose to be our divine right, to love and to be loved. I thought that was true but now I know I am wrong. I have no right to love or be loved. I will never allow anyone to love me, again. Nor will I love another. I promise.


I am sorry, love. Truly sorry. I was wrong


Forever and always loving you with everything I am
My wish to hear these words from you...

                "Dearest Love, I have read your email 3 times.  Baby I am so scared and heart broken. You titled this no more letters, baby you are still alive and drawing breaths. I only ever wanted you to love me with all of yourself with every beat of your heart. You need to know that I love you so so much. You do not cause me more hurt than you do happiness. You are the love of my life. You cannot leave me baby. I do no want my life to be without you when you are still alive and we still love each other. Fight!!! We are not guaranteed a lot of time so we need to make the time we have left count. I am in love with you and I forgive you for anything and I release you from guilt. Please do not give up on me. Choose life. Choose love and choose me. If you are to lose any of these than do not do so willingly. I love you more than you can imagine. I am begging you not to give up on us. Please baby. 

You are my heart. I love you."

But I know I will not, it is just another dream (nightmare).

Milky