Anxiety - One

Anxiety (also called angst or worry) is a psychological and physiological state characterized by somatic, emotional, cognitive, and behavioral components.^[2] It is the displeasing feeling of fear and concern. ^[3] The root meaning of the word anxiety is 'to vex or trouble'; in either presence or absence of psychological stress, anxiety can create feelings of fear, worry, uneasiness, and dread.^[4] Anxiety is considered to be a normal reaction to a stressor. It may help an individual to deal with a demanding situation by prompting them to cope with it. When anxiety becomes excessive, it may fall under the classification of an anxiety disorder.^[5].


Most people think that anxiety can easily be controlled but that is not the case. Some days are better then others and sometimes there are stresses that cause the anxiety to heighten, while other times there is so much good going on that you feel relieved for once. We get lost in the things we love and it just never seems to be enough. But at the time - it is everything!


Another thing about anxiety is that we bottle it up so that others do not see it. We make excuses to why we cannot come to events or just hang out. They do not know that we they hug you, you are dying inside. To be touched is a thousand needles going through you and the pain is so much to bare. At night you cry yourself to sleep, if you can sleep. You shower for an hour and sometimes several times a day.  Your body hurts, your headaches get worse and you cannot breathe. Drowning...you are drowning.


The person you was able to calm me the most is gone and I cannot help but wonder if this internal calm was not just an illusion. Now, it is a  continuous challenge because my anxiety is completely awaken all the time instead of happening at any moment, it is a volcano, and it is turning my life inside out in a blink of an eye.


I always knew that my being calm and relax with him was a temporary thing that could easily be disrupted. I wondered if  there would be a time that I could change and the result of me achieving full control over my anxiety would be amazing. I am not feeling confident about this and until I have the self-confidence and  put myself to the test - I just do not know what will happen and that scares me.


This past year has changed my life and now I have to change it, again. My current situation is not very good so the anxiety is at it's worse. Most would think that this is an opportunity to test my strength. I have failed it! There are many sources of my stress and it is unbearable for me. 


The nature of the change is irrelevant because what matters is my perception of it and how it affects me. I lost so much and at the same time nothing, no one. I am more tense and stressed then ever.



I am my one enemy because I let stress, grief, anxiety and others control my life.  I am always watching out for the next person to hurt me and leave me. Who do I trust? Who do I believe? The experience of violence, neglect, emotional and physical abuse has taught me that anxiety increases inside of me full force and makes dealing with it more difficult. I would think ti is always better to prevent anxiety than to treat it? But I really do not know.


My nights are filled with endless thoughts, from the littlest thing to the biggest thing. It is so exhausting, I am exhausted because I cannot sleep or function. I shake a lot and I am always cold. (Yes, me cold! I know unheard of. It is crazy!) All I want is to sleep and feel rested for once. But nightmares haunt me and I feel like I am drowning with no one or nothing to grab onto. I do not feel safe from my nightmares, the past or now, in my own house. I just want to run away, be away and not have to worry about anything.


I breakdown in tears not just in this house. It is anywhere and at any time and it is awful. I am so bloody weak and showing weakness is feeling like such a failure.


Apparently, my anxiety started as young as five years old? Five? I can believe it because of everything I do remember and yet, at the same time I cannot. I just do not understand....

Milky