When I lost you, I lost myself...

It has been a month of pain, hopelessness and lost. A year ago so many things had happened and I cannot help but remember. Before you my heart was empty, crushed and repeatedly stomped on by one person. It was crazy and it was that way for years I kept letting him hurt me and I do not know what is worse the fact that it happened, that I let it happen in the first place or that I never could not walk away. Was it fear or just lack of confidence? Perhaps, it was both.

It is easier when he is at work but when he is home for just one day, it is to much for me. So I have no choice to share this house with him and I know it leaves me hurt and confused as always.

One day you came along and I cannot say that what happened was right but be able to escape that hurtful life felt good. For once, I felt good but I just wish I knew what to do, now. How to let you go? How to not love you? You never really stop loving someone? You just learn how to live without them? 

I have apologized so many times for my mistakes and I will never stop. I think that is fearless. I believe it is fearless to believe that someone could really be sorry and truly mean it.  It is fearless to say "I was wrong, what I did was wrong" and walk not away. It is fearless to forgive and love someone despite what people think because we are not perfect people, we make mistakes - that is human, that is our flaws. 


I think allowing yourself to cry when ever, where ever is fearless. But I know letting go is also fearless and moving on, being alright, taking each day slowly and just breathing through all of the pain, hurt and anxiety - that is fearless, too.


We always want to hold onto something or someone even through we know we have to let go and we must forgive to be able to hang on. Which one is the better choice, which one are we better off, doing?

If we choice to hold on it is because we are scared to lose what we thought we had, but the fact is we did not really have, anything or anyone. Some of us may say we would rather have that something or someone because having absolutely nothing but truth is, to have it half way is harder than not having it at all. Or is it?

Perhaps it is time to realize that I was not worth it. There were moments with you that made me so incredibly happy while the majority of the time he treated me awful. It is the reason why it is impossible to try and get over you. I know that we will never know what it is like to be together. It was great what we share in some ways and it was ugly too. I will not and cannot ever forget the good times I had with you, but I will also never forget how we hurt each more than anyone could ever know.

We told truths and we were lying all the time? I know it may have seem like it was just a game to you? But I was wrong and it was never a game to me. If you could get passed the lies and just see the truth maybe things would not be so confused. I know you have always known that all I wanted was to be with you and I am nothing but a fool for you. 


You have me wrapped in your heart so low and hidden, as I do for you. As much as I try to hide it, it is always lingering and I am reminded of you, always because you are in everything.

You used to call me everyday and we would smile, laugh and I felt so much hope inside. You and I felt right because the words and feelings meant everything and touched my heart in ways no other could replace. 

 I miss you and I am trying to be without you. I cry over you at night and sometime through the days. I will not forget you and I do not regret you. The hardest thing I have had to do is live without you, knowing what is going on with you and being there for you during your bad days and enjoying your good days. I was head over heals for you. 


We were convenient for each other on days that we were alone and hurt, when we loved and would sometimes fight and mostly when we were empty inside. Now the days are filled with you hating me but none of those days mattered, because we could never have each no matter how hard we fell.

I am in love with you, still. Even when you ripped my heart out at 3 in the morning.  Even when I asked you not to go and ask you why you are doing this. please, do not do this I love you. It is ridiculous and foolish for you to believe that I would ever stop and I do not even know why you would think that I could, but it is true I could never have stopped loving you. There is no one who understands, or maybe you do? They all tell me that you are not worth the heartache or that you were never real and you are not worth my time, my tears, my love. How could I ever agree? Perhaps, I agree but only when it hurts the most. At times, I want nothing more than to stop loving you and want to  hate you. But I just cannot do it because, as sorry as I am to say this, I love every single thing about you.

You deserve the best and deserve to be treated right but so do I? So, even when my whole body aches with sorrow, I know I have to let you go but only part of me will let go while the rest of me will always hold on forever and always.

Mainly, I blends in with the crowd and I am safe. I do not want to be the center of attention and have other look at me, knowing what has happened but I want to turn my head and see your face. I want to be important and I want to matter again to someone, too. Everyone should feel important and matter to someone else, all of the time.

Will you stay with me because you need a friend? That is all I could be. No more giving you my heart because I do not trust you with it as you do not trust me with yours. Perhaps, 

it is my hearts way of telling me this is not over yet because you are still burning strong within.

At times, I feel ready to let you go, just move one, and be alone but there is always this little shred of hope that makes me think that maybe you will want me tomorrow? Have you forgotten me? Do you ever think that way? No. No, you do not think that way and I should know this very well. 

It is so hard to not keep going back in my mind and heart to something, someone that made me feel so good and alive. Even through I know it is not good for me.

I have learned so much about life, love and true emotions because of knowing you and I would not change a thing about what I have learned. Our hearts need to go through some rough spells like these in order to make it through life. No matter what I have done or what you have done or what either of us have not done, you had the biggest impact on me these past year. I know no matter how many years go by my stomach will always do a little somersaults when I think of you, hear your voice or see your beautiful face.

It sounds foolish as I write this down and read it out loud, but it is easier being with someone who does not have the full ability to be with me the same way. So, giving my heart knowing I am not responsible for anything or anyone because he is not free. He is not able to give himself to me.  Never being fully involved, therefore never being fully able of being let down. This way, I hurt myself, I bring myself into a situation that has no good ending and I am able to say "when" at the time I know I need to stop.

“You have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you got, remember what you had, always forgive but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change, things go wrong, but just remember life goes on."

The scariest thing about letting go and all this distance is that we do not know whether the other person will miss you, think about you or forget you. It hurts so much to have to think about moving on without the other being there, so for some moving on is not possible because it hurts to much. It also hurts to think that moving on will allow us to be okay but that means we are opened to being hurt again by another. 

We  feel vulnerable so we hold back. Losing the one we love is painful but t

he truth is what causes us the most pain is when we have lost ourselves in the process of loving someone to much and  forgetting that we are important too. We think that we no longer matter and perhaps we do not to that person we loved but perhaps it does not matter that they no longer feel the same way as we do. 

"It’s like ‘playing with fire’ or ‘flirting with disaster’ in a way. It’s thinking you will only go so far, and that’s it. But if you do cross that line, only to realize it was never a line at all…. then how do you stop yourself after that? People are generally good at heart. But we all have faults. We all toy with things we shouldn’t. The unknown. Or maybe it isn’t always the unknown. — Sometimes its what we think we want. it’s 

feeling-driven. It’s dangerous." 

“You might think I’m bulletproof, but I’m not.”

No matter how much we want to forget, there may never be away for us to forget the other. My hope is that we do not have to forget everything - just the bad and we could hold onto the good but there has to be a point in our lives that we - not just you - but we will forgive everything that has happened because in the end we both have that, right. 

I have asked for forgiveness and I am not able to ask for more. It is in your own power, your own hands and your own right to choose to forgive and to give yourself peace and perhaps to one day give me peace, as well. There was good in both of us and there was some bad, too.

Perhaps, the bad out weighs the good but it does not have, too. Repairs can be made - if you choose.

Milky