Why does this still hurt?

So much time has pass and I am still not okay. I cannot sleep, when I do my nightmares are now of you. I can barely eat because I feel sick all the time. I have never felt more alone then I do, now. My heart hurts and my sanity hurts, too.    


I have love for a person who no longer loves me back and as it turns out may have never been in love with me. Had love for me, yes. But not in love. I am been told to break the ties because you have. Was it really that easy for you? Easy for you to stop thinking about me. 

I am suppose to get over all of this, what we had and for me it is not that simple. It is not cut and dry. My heart aches every second and it is cruel because you just moved on like it was nothing, I was nothing. (everyone leaves you know that) No one understands and I thought you did but now I know you do not. 


A year ago, I just wanted to get away from my everyday life. Later on, I realized that I wanted to be with you. The heavens above and I only know how much you meant and mean to me. You were not just an important person in my life and not only my best friend it was much deeper, passionate and all the feelings were honest and sincere and very real. 

You know me enough by now to know that this is a way for me to let out all of my feelings that fill my heart. It is now really the only way for you to know what is going on and to let you know how much my heart is crying and dying because you are gone, because we are gone.

My life was filled with so much light because of you when all I could see was darkness, you gave a smile to my face when all I could do is frown, but the most important thing was love, you gave me love and I felted loved. I trusted that. 

We shared endless moments opening up to each other,  sharing our secrets, our feelings of happiness, sadness, sometimes anger and intimacy. Promises were made to each other that no matter what we would be together, not give up on each other but we did give up. And fate had brought us together and took us apart in the end.

How can this be? Why does it have to by now when I have fallen in love with you?  I gave my heart to you and I felted like I belonged to you, with you. It felt right but now it feels so wrong. I am afraid that it will all turn ugly when I want so much for it to stay beautiful. I do not want to start to hate you. 

Now I know my fate has turned out so cruel and my fate is twisted. I am always getting my hopes up only to have them burn down in the fire and each time I think about you and this past year all the pain comes back - it is stronger, hurts more and it is lasting longer. I pray for peace and I pray the hurt will come to an end soon, for I cannot keep going on like this. It eats away at me knowing that you have nothing left, that you have rid your heart of me and I am now forgotten.

You are punishing me without even knowing, or perhaps you do know? And that is my new fate. Why are you doing this to me, when you knew I how much I love you? I wish I could have done anything for you. All my dreams, wishes and hopes were surrounded by you. 

You know that not having you in my life is instantly kill my heart and my mind. I am all shattered and everything I see is blue, cruel and hopeless. But I know I cannot change your mind and more importantly, I cannot change what you feel in your heart,  or what happened to us or what I did to us. So all I can ask is, why? Why did this happen? So many questions and I fear there will never be any answers and I am scared of what that will do to me.

Missing you, us every single moment...

Milky