I am in the lobby, it is not cold.....

The drive to the appoitment was short and very quite. There were blue crystal skies and a cool breeze. For Febraury, we do not have winter and yet I am cold all of the time. The sun is shining strong and is warm on my face. It is early, I am a half hour early for this appointment. I seem to be early for all of them, even through I dread them.

I am sitting in the dull waiting room. It is not cold but I am still.

It is so quite in here which seems to be a huge issue for me. Everywhere I am there is silence.

Silence makes your thoughts sound louder. What will surprise you more is that even if you are with family and friends you do not like you around anyone. The silence is greater. Perhaps it is because there it no one to understand the emptiness or the hole that consumes you during your darkest lowest point.

Now, family and friends worry about you and all you want to do is support them by telling that everything will be okay. But what you really want to tell them is 'I have fallen, I am not okay' but makes you feel so guilty.

The thing is that is the truth, you are not okay, you do feel guilty and it is okay because now and again you have to fall. You cannot be afraid to pick yourself up. There are people around who want nothing more then to catch you but this time - you have to fall. You have to admit that there is a problem. There is nothing wrong with admitting your imperfections or what fears consume you.

Having loved ones around to support you is wonderful but they will never understand what has happened to you or how to help you. They will do their best and their best is to listen, not judge! Having them around is important but taking some time to yourself to sort through everything is also important because you are coming to terms with the trauma (s) in your life.

Here is something you have to think about when you are taking this time to sort things out,  it is important to keep the lines of communications opened with them. Take time to message, make a call, send an email, leave a posted note or say hi in passing. You have to make them aware of you and that you are aware of them, too.

We have to remember that those around us, who love us are now hurting, too. It is a different hurt of course but it is no less easier for them to watch. They hurt because we are hurting. That is how we know we are loved, supported and important. It is also, how we learn to heal.

I am a very private person, always have been. I have lived with secrets, half truths and some lies. But here I am opening up and it scares me. It scares me because I always believed it was a sign of weakness. Now, I am scared if I do not speak - I will be more alone then ever.

I am in the lobby, it is not cold but I am freezing.

Milky